why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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