im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
