I think I just saw someone hide a body.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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