I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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