I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
