I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
