she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
