Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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