your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
