omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
