I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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