i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
