Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
