yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
