if i can run in heels then i can drive
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
