U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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