I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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