i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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