i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize