phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
