that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
