If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
