I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
