She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
