he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
