i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
