1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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