I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
