I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
