He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
