North Korea, Best Korea!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
