she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
