i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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