Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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