There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
