i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the day after is always just damage control
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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