I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
