i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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