Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
