When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
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