the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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