Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
