She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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