Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
