I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize