When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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