Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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