I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
