So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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