I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
