you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
