a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
