@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
