I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
