I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
