Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So squirting runs in the family.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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