Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
