Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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