I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
