last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize