Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
