She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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