two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
