i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
